In other words, it comes from within rather than without. By knowing your worth, you are less reliant on another’s approval, thus protecting yourself from the harsh Pure Dating people blows of rejection. Yes, rejection may still sting, but it will not break you. By valuing yourself, you are subconsciously requesting that others do the same.
“I’m 34 and asexual/lithromantic. I’ve had dates, kissed, and held hands, but nothing really beyond that.”
Just aim for a general balance of you both reaching out equally and you’re all good. “I don’t mind the idea of being married, but I doubt it will happen.” “I’m 31, and I’ve never been in a relationship, had sex, or even kissed anyone. I’ve never had any interest.” “I’m 32, I’ve never had a relationship, and I seriously thought I was all alone in that category. I’ve never been confident in myself — therefore never thought anyone would want me.” “I’m asexual, and I’ve been on dates, but things just never work out.”
And like I said, self-esteem to me is distinct from self-acceptance. Because self-esteem can only be born out of doing hard things, pushing against resistance in ways that make us proud of ourselves. The things that build character, the things that reveal character.
You may discover that it’s easy to get what you want. This could be saying hello to someone you wouldn’t normally or signing up to a class you didn’t want to go to alone. These things start feeling ‘normal’ and your confidence grows. Spend time exploring where your low confidence comes from. Where and in which parts of your life do you feel more or most confident? Journalling or working with a coach or therapist can help you work these things out.
Obstacles to finding love
Taking every little thing, comment, or piece of feedback to heart is a strong sign that you lack confidence. People who are confident typically talk highly of themselves and others. They don’t bash themselves or speak poorly of their skills, looks, or qualities. If you’re confident, you will build yourself up when you talk about yourself. Whether it’s your body shape or your inability to remember names – both insecurities my students and clients have struggled with – they are as much of a part of you as everything else.
Early on, it’s likely that you couldn’t have been more confident about your amazing partner and perfect relationship. But the funny thing about confidence is that it comes a lot easier when we have fewer facts. Researchers call this the Dunning-Kruger effect. As you’ll see, people often turn to Google for relationship answers. Searchers’ most wondered questions touch on topics like relationships lasting, surviving, being healthy, being toxic, being over, being dead, needing a break, and having a future. You can build your confidence even quicker by also keeping a journal of lifetime successes.
Dating and/or sleeping with more people doesn’t necessarily make you feel more confident about how attractive you are. Moving in with your partner or getting married doesn’t necessarily make you feel any more confident in your relationship. That doesn’t mean you should go into your first date spilling your guts about all your problems but don’t feel like you have to hide them away either. Part of building a relationship and intimacy with someone is sharing the not-so-perfect sides of yourself. Chances are the person you’re with has their own doubts and fears.
There’s no question that dating in your 40s is a different animal than it was in your 20s. You’ll need to adjust to meeting men through mobile apps and websites. You’ll learn all about things like ghosting and sidebarring. But those are all superficial changes that you’ll adapt to as you learn how to start dating again.
Instead, you can have an equal relationship, where both parties can have fun with and without each other. With dating comes the possibility of rejection, and if a date goes poorly or someone turns you down for a date, you might start questioning your worthiness. In my last post, “The Psychology of Modern Dating,” I describe some of the challenges that come with dating in a digital age and their effects on fundamental interpersonal processes.
Fear of rejection and feeling undeserving are the top two reasons people don’t speak up and make a request. Are you in search of any dating confidence tips you can find after taking a break from the scene? Maybe you don’t know how the rules have changed or maybe you’re confused about what they were, to begin with.
So you just sent him a witty message about one of your inside jokes, but now you’re dying to share a picture of an adorable puppy you saw on the street. Give yourself permission to get in touch when you want to. Playing too hard to get can backfire and seem like you’re not interested in him at all.
